In writing this post, I remember that I never managed to get a school project in on time, I would lock myself in my room to do the work and end up playing guitar for 3 hours! My poor teachers must have wanted to throttle me because it was always the same old story:
The teacher "Helen, where's your project?"
Me "I haven't done it".
Teacher "Why?"
Me "I don't know"
If they offered an extension I wouldn't take it because I knew the outcome would be the same. That is a pretty awful way to be and it doesn't set you up very well for adult life.
It has been an endless source of frustration knowing I have a deadline, plenty of time to get it done and yet I choose to do ANYTHING other than finish it!! I'll watch a whole season of Blacklist on Netflix, fiddle on FaceBook, stare at the walls, berate myself for not doing it. moan and groan like a child, anything else but what I should be doing.
There's a certain amount of insanity in it isn't there? To continually put yourself in a position of stress and squirming and pressure and not quite know how to change it.
According to Wikipedia: "Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task that needs to be accomplished.[1] It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ones, or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time . . . . Procrastination can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, depression and self-doubt".
I wholeheartedly agree with the above.
In January 2012 I started to work diligently on healing my depression (see bottom of post). I know that procrastination goes hand-in-hand with depression and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was one of the modalities that I tried while seeing a Psychologist. When you don't have a lot of self-worth and you think that everything you do is wrong, or you are going to make a mistake, it is easier to do nothing and face the consequences of that, rather than putting in the work and getting it wrong anyway.
CBT wasn't for me and I moved on to other things including Neuroptimal, Reiki, daily gratitude and, since January 2016, Kineseology.
The other night I managed to lodge my tax return right on the deadline, something I haven't done for a really long time. Even with constant reminders from my Accountant and, more recently e-tax, that I needed to get it done or I would be fined!!It was still right on the death knock, but it was in on time and I have to say the feeling of RELIEF was immeasurable, not having a continuous deadline hanging over my head was kind of blissful.
It didn't occur to me that change was in the air despite the fact that earlier this week I also managed to get my daughter's costume for her play at the school assembly finished before the rehearsal date. I cut it out last week and when my Mum offered to sew it up I said "yes"(acccepting help is part of the process). This is a major improvement after failing miserably to complete her costume on time for the Book Week Parade earlier this year and watching her miss out telling the school who her character was because she was late. The walk of shame back to the car with the caption "worst mother of the year" wafting over my head was not good and I can only imagine how she must have felt.
I am in awe of mothers who work, have more children than me and manage to get everything done on time.
What was the catalyst? I am not 100% sure; it is a culmination of everything i have been doing for the last five years, but I think Kineseology revved things up a bit. At my last appointment I asked my beautiful practitioner, Michelle, to work on procrastination, self-sabotage and confidence as I was giving a couple of health talks in Bunbury and didn't want it to be the usual chaos of stress, disorganisation AND praying for some natural disaster to befall me so I didn't have to do it (I have a fear of public speaking). I managed to get the talks done without fainting and my organisation, while not perfect, was better.
Somehow the process is improving and at my next appointment I will be asking Michelle to see if anything has shifted, even though I know in my heart it has.
I will be praying that bloody monkey has slid from my back and is swinging through the jungle on a metaphorical planet as far away from me as possible.
This doesn't mean I will be welcoming lots of deadlines to test the theory, but I will be making sure that I repeat the process so that I can recapture the feeling that I had the other night and continue to create my best life.
Love and Bliss
Helen xxx
Footnote: The decision to heal depression using alternative modalities was not taken lightly and this post is not meant to be a 'green light' to go ahead and try it without the guidance and support of a professional.
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